Monday, September 20, 2010

Adoption: The Child's Story

I was recently talking with a fellow adoptive mom (who just also happens to be a great friend) and the topic of sharing your adopted child's story with others came up. I guess because we are friends, we know the story behind our children's adoptions. You know, the things like where they were born, the reason their birthparents decided to form an adoption plan, etc. She asked me if I shared this with everyone or just with family and close personal friends? It prompted me to write this post.

I feel like my children's story is just that: it's THEIR story. It's really no ones business and if I choose to share it with family and very close friends, I feel like that is ok...but a random stranger I meet in a grocery store? Absolutely not. And let's not kid ourselves...I've been asked by complete strangers. Now I know you are probably reading this thinking, "no way", but yes, I've been asked things like "was she a crack baby?" or "why didn't his mom want him?" by complete strangers.

So, I'll start there.

If you learn nothing more from this blog, PLEASE don't ask someone you don't know that well the story behind their child's adoption and PLEASE don't be so idiotic to make statements like "why didn't his mom want him?" Questions like that personally make me want to vomit, and they make my blood pressure go to stroke level when some silly question is asked in front of my older kids because even though the babies may not understand you, my 11 year old and 8 year olds do. And guess what? When we get in the car, the first thing they are going to ask me is why my son's mom (who they know) didn't want him. Or what a crack baby is.

If you happen to be an adoptive parent reading this, I strongly encourage you to really think about what you are sharing with anyone and everyone about your child's story. Although I believe most people probably mean well, you have to think about what will happen down the road when someone could possibly say to your child, "you are so lucky your mom and dad saved you from a life of XYZ."

Yes, it's each of our decision to share what we want to, but for us, there are some things that are better to be shared only with the child. If my adopted children want to share their story one day when they are old enough to fully comprehend, that will be their choice, but until then...it's their story.

3 comments:

Salanimi said...

I totally agree - we've been asked so many stupid things during the years as a adoptive-mom, that I've now decided to answer something like: Why do You want to know? or Sorry, but that really is personal.

Aico Furniture said...

I read you story but honestly I didn't understand what is behind the story.I will come here to do it again and i hope that I will get success then.Thanks for sharing such a nice blogs.

Akka said...

When people ask me if my kids are adopted, I ask them in turn whether they themselves are. They tend to get the point, or at least they go away quietly. When people stare, I stare back and smile. Fortunately we haven't had really horrible questions asked, or I would have had to have been horrible back...