This blog post is to all the nutjobs I have encountered in the last 24 hours in my doctor's office waiting room. In the last day, I have successfully had an ultrasound, bloodwork, an exam and a CT scan with contrast. Since each of these events were independent of each other, that means I have sat in a total of four waiting rooms in the last 24 hours of my life.
I guess it would be different if I felt good, but I've got some pain so I haven't been my normal happy go lucky self which could explain why the insane behavior I witnessed literally grated on my last nerve.
It all started yesterday when I went for an ultrasound. I knew I was going to need to bite my tongue the minute the LOUD couple entered the waiting room. He was old and gross and she was very pregnant. I'm guessing she wasn't a very bright woman because she was with Mr. Old and Gross. They brought their precious little 18 month old demon with them who Mr. Old and Gross referred to as Mr. Junior the whole time I was waiting. "UH OH, I THINK MR. JUNIOR HAS POOPED HIS PANTS," Mr. Old and Gross said loudly. Really? I couldn't tell from the foul smell that was filling the room as precious little Mr. Junior ran all over. "MOMMA, I THINK MR. JUNIOR HAS A GIFT FOR YOU IN HIS DIAPER," he continued to LOUDLY proclaim. I was just wondering why Mr. Old and Gross wouldn't just go change Mr. Junior....but he didn't.
While I continued to wait, a very attractive black woman came into the waiting room and sat next to me. She quickly buried her head into a magazine (probably to keep from gagging on the poop smell) and about that time Mr. Old and Gross picked up a copy of People magazine with Sandra Bullock on the cover. "WHY DO YOU THINK SHE HAD TO GO AND ADOPT A BLACK KID?" Mr. Old and Gross asked his wife/girlfriend/incubator. "Well, honey, I'm sure cause they are easier to get and cheaper," she replied. I wanted to kill them. Literally. At that moment they called me back, and I seriously thanked the ultrasound technician for getting me out of hell. "Oh no, what happened," she asked. I told her she would be finding out soon enough because the LOUD couple were up after me. Lucky girl.
My next visit was to the exam today. That waiting room was pretty normal. Following my exam, it was time for bloodwork. Yep, another waiting room. I've actually had bloodwork drawn at this location before, so I already knew they keep the prep room open and you wait right outside the door. What I didn't expect to see was the poor girl getting her blood drawn RIGHT INSIDE THE DOOR. Ewww. I mean seriously, shut the freaking door peeps. And I guess I should say, attempting to get her blood drawn, as they COULD NOT GET A VEIN. I waited for 30 minutes and I personally watched them stick her 9 times and who knows how long they had been going before I got there. They had to tell her to come back tomorrow so the poor girl who looked like a pin cushion at this point left without even giving up the goods. I should have realized at this point that it was a SIGN of things to come. They were able to get blood from me on the first stick, so I was quickly out of there.
Next, it was on to a CT scan at Baptist Hospital. After waiting for a few minutes and enjoying a 2 year old Southern Living in an empty waiting room, I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN things were not going to be good when the tech brought in a Route 44 size vanilla shake for me to drink before my scan. Yeah, I don't like vanilla. At all. "Drink it quick," she said. "You have to wait 90 minutes after you drink it to start the scan." Lovely. I slurped down the Route 44 nastiness and settled in with my magazine wishing I had brought a book. That's when the cute little old couple walked in to my quiet, empty waiting room. "Aren't they a sweet little couple," I thought to myself.
Then she pulled out the nail clippers.
I will take this moment to tell you I. CAN'T. STAND. THE. SOUND. OF. SOMEONE. ELSE. CUTTING. THEIR. NAILS. Not even my cute little hubby or my precious little angel children. I'm a little sick just thinking of the sound while I type this.
She proceeded to trim ALL HER OLD FINGERNAILS and let the clippings fall to the floor. She even stood up at the end to let the loose trimmings in her lap fall to the floor. I tried really hard to snap a pic of this on my phone without being caught, but it just wasn't possible, because as I said....we were the only ones in the room. At this point, the vanilla monster I had just inhaled was making me feel sick, the waiting room was freezing and I just wanted to get the heck out of dodge.
Finally, Art called me back. Art was a cute little man who told me he'd been doing CT scans for 33 years. I hop on the table (that's a lie, I laid down on the table like the old, hurting woman that I am) and Art told me he needed to start an IV to run the contrast. No problem. "I have great veins," I tell Art. I was wrong. I don't know what happened between my happy little lab stick and the CT scan, but I guess all my veins decided to have a little party and got too tired to stick out. Art COULD NOT find a vein. He finally found one on his fourth attempt.
So, here I am with still no answers on what is wrong with me, enough bandaids on my arms you would think I've been in war, and some great stories from the creepy people in the waiting rooms. Can't wait to see what tomorrow is like!