I am in a yucky mood. I can admit it. I probably should have never walked to the computer to type this, but you know what...it's my blog and I'll blog if I want to.
Everyone keeps asking how are we doing? We are really doing great. Mary Elizabeth is such a blessing to us and if I didn't know it, I love her like I birthed her myself. I find myself thinking about her birthmother. How she is doing. What it feels like for her as she looks at her other three girls and realizes that one more is missing. If she feels guilty. If she's a monster. If she's a lot like me.
The kids are doing great with her. Anna loves her so much and seeing her with Mary Elizabeth is yet another example that we were totally following in God's will.
Sometimes I find that I want to pinch myself because it seems like yesterday we started this process and we already have our daughter home with us. It makes me sad for all the people who wish to adopt that have waited for years. Other times it feels like the journey to M.E. was the longest road I've ever walked. It changed me. It made me see the world in a whole new light. It made me want to be different and by my being different, to help change the world.
The hardest part of the journey beside the wait? The finances. I haven't talked about that much in this journey but it is a fact of the process. And it sucks. I hate feeling like we are broke. I knew that it would take a lot of money, but it makes me mad that we don't qualify for grants simply because we make too much money. They don't look at the years it took us to pay crap off (granted, that was our own mistakes, but hey...it's my blog...) and the fact that we aren't rolling in it even though we may have a decent income. They don't look at the fact that we were currently supporting 3 children and funding college funds and paying health insurance. I never felt comfortable asking for money to help fund this journey simply because I knew there were others who needed it worse than us, but I can't lie and say that it doesn't hurt to know that we probably won't be able to open our home more in the future simply because it costs so freaking much to do this. That makes me sad.
SO that's the mood I'm in today....I need to give it to God and move on.