Sunday, November 4, 2007

A Yucky Post

I am in a yucky mood. I can admit it. I probably should have never walked to the computer to type this, but you know what...it's my blog and I'll blog if I want to.

Everyone keeps asking how are we doing? We are really doing great. Mary Elizabeth is such a blessing to us and if I didn't know it, I love her like I birthed her myself. I find myself thinking about her birthmother. How she is doing. What it feels like for her as she looks at her other three girls and realizes that one more is missing. If she feels guilty. If she's a monster. If she's a lot like me.

The kids are doing great with her. Anna loves her so much and seeing her with Mary Elizabeth is yet another example that we were totally following in God's will.

Sometimes I find that I want to pinch myself because it seems like yesterday we started this process and we already have our daughter home with us. It makes me sad for all the people who wish to adopt that have waited for years. Other times it feels like the journey to M.E. was the longest road I've ever walked. It changed me. It made me see the world in a whole new light. It made me want to be different and by my being different, to help change the world.

The hardest part of the journey beside the wait? The finances. I haven't talked about that much in this journey but it is a fact of the process. And it sucks. I hate feeling like we are broke. I knew that it would take a lot of money, but it makes me mad that we don't qualify for grants simply because we make too much money. They don't look at the years it took us to pay crap off (granted, that was our own mistakes, but hey...it's my blog...) and the fact that we aren't rolling in it even though we may have a decent income. They don't look at the fact that we were currently supporting 3 children and funding college funds and paying health insurance. I never felt comfortable asking for money to help fund this journey simply because I knew there were others who needed it worse than us, but I can't lie and say that it doesn't hurt to know that we probably won't be able to open our home more in the future simply because it costs so freaking much to do this. That makes me sad.

SO that's the mood I'm in today....I need to give it to God and move on.

6 comments:

Alison Bynum said...

hugs

Turner Farms said...

You are a priceless gift to your family and friends. The gifts you give will come back to you ten fold. Giving your heart, a mother's heart, to M.E. will surround you with love and God's gifts in His time. Until then, my prayers are with you and your family.

Anonymous said...

LEGACY OF AN ADOPTED CHILD

Once there were two women who never knew each other
One you do not remember, the other you call Mother

Two different lives shaped to make you one
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun

The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it
The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it

One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name
One gave you a talent, the other gave you aim

One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried you tears

One made an adoption plan, that was all that she could do
The other prayed for a child, and God led her straight to you.

Now, which of these two women, Are you the product of?
Both, my darling, Both, Just two different types of love.
---- Unknown

Anonymous said...

Brea,
You are in our prayers...sounds like you are experiencing some "post partum" blues, so very natural...As an adoptive Mom, I will remind you of some truths I've learned:
Seek God first...and all these things will be added unto you" Mt.6:33.
Your friends will come see you and bring the food, snacks, whatever no matter what, it's about the relationship not how you entertain...I have to agree 100% with the adoption legacy...M.E.
is in the arms of the right Mama, and God our Father is holding you
in His righteous right hand!...trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not onto your own understanding, in all your ways
acknowledge Him and He will direct
your paths.. Proverbs 3:5-6
Keeping you in our prayers,

Susan Harris

Jennifer Kristen Cady said...

Brea! It's okay to be in a Yucky Mood (your human, not Suzie Super Christian) as long as you don't stay there! Been there, done that! I try give give God not all that I am but all that I am not ( which can be a lot depending on the day). Remember..Gods Got it!!Love Ya!

Anonymous said...

I love you...and this is why!!! Your so honest and do not hide your true feelings. Hang in there, the blessings are soooo much greater than the hard times!!! We can't all be rich, beautiful, and smart! 2 out of 3 isn't bad...just kidding, thought I'd make ya laugh! Okay, ready for that game night, I told Curt, he said it is soooo on!!!! Love ya Holley