This week I have already been reminded of what waiting looks like in adoption. I have two different friends being shown for the same situation and I find myself not knowing what to pray for. One of them could potentially be a mommy again very soon and one of them (perhaps both) will not be chosen very soon. I have just been praying for peace for both of them, but it reminded me of my emotions of waiting the first time for Mary Elizabeth and I thought I would put some of that out there for others to see a glimpse of what it is like when you are waiting in domestic infant adoption.
I have birthed three beautiful children, but honestly the emotions that came along with waiting, being shown to birth parents, the not knowing for days and days...this was all something that was very new to me. And all along when you try to talk about it, you are constantly being told that God is in control, Don't worry!, "it will all work out!" Well, yes, I know these things too, but I needed someone to say waiting sucks!!
When we were called and told we were being shown, you almost can't help but feel that time suddenly slows WAY down and every time the phone rings, you're just sure that it's THE CALL. You wonder if you are bugging the social worker if you call, KNOW you are driving everyone else crazy if you don't. You pray for the birthfamily...wondering what they are looking for in an adoptive family. Wondering if they have had enough counseling, wondering if they have really been given options to parent. Sometimes you aren't told the sex of the baby, so you wonder about that.
Then, when we weren't picked the first few times, you begin to wonder why they didn't pick you. Was my profile horrible? Did I say something stupid in there that I should take out?
Or, let's say you go a while without being shown, you begin to question your caseworker, your agency, the planets, whatever. Why aren't they doing their job fast enough? Surely there are babies out there that are considered difficult to place and we are open to that, so why aren't they finding these babies!
Let's just say the emotions can seriously eat you alive. And then you hit your wall, hit your knees and tell God I just can't do this anymore. It's too hard. I know you told me to do this, but I give up. I've tried everything and nothing is working. And that day we were told about Mary Elizabeth. And two days later, I held my new daughter for the first time and I forgot what hell we had been through the prior 2 1/2 months.
I forgot so much that we are willing to do it again.