It's been a while since I posted anything about adoption. It's not that I haven't thought about posting my thoughts/feelings/etc., I think about it every day actually. It's just that well, sometimes my heart and mind are so heavy with all those thoughts/feelings/etc. that I think I would be more apt to publish a book than a simple blog post.
We found out today that Mary Elizabeth's birthfather didn't show up in court today so his rights were terminated by the judge. While outside I was jumping for joy that she is really, officially ours and there is no longer a scare of someone coming back to take her away, inside it just makes me sad. It makes me so sad and SCARED that she might never know the two people who helped bring her into this world. Can you imagine not knowing your parents? I know some of you that read this blog have either placed children for adoption or were adopted or have adopted so I know that statement might really hit home. I know it does for me. I can't imagine going through my life wondering about the people who created me...whether out of love, lust, whatever...the two people who created me. My daily prayer is that Jonathan and I are enough and yet I know, that even though we will be in some ways, we will never be in all ways. It just makes me sad.
It's ironic, too, because on the adoption board that I frequent the majority of the talk from firstparents (birthparents) is how horrible it is for adoptive parents to slowly close the lines of communication with those firstparents. Evidently over time in open adoptions, it becomes more normal for the relationships between adoptive parents and first parents to sort of form into a more closed relationship. This usually happens because the adoptive parents stop sending updates/pics/etc to the firstparent.
I feel like we are on the opposite end of the spectrum. Practically begging Mary Elizabeth's mother to let us meet her. To take some pictures, to write letters. Don't get me wrong...I don't envision us having summer vacations together, but I would love to get to know this woman who gave us the miracle of our daughter and yet, I have to respect the fact that she doesn't want that. When I called the office today to find out about the court outcome, I checked to see if she had picked up any updates (she requested that they not be sent to her) and they told me she hadn't.
So what do I do? I pray for her. That's all I can do. I pray that she is finding peace in her decision that she made for Mary Elizabeth. I pray that even though she doesn't really know, she somehow knows that Mary Elizabeth is ok. I pray that even if she doesn't care, that I will continue to find peace in that. I pray that just by typing this, one day Mary Elizabeth might know how much I loved not only her from the beginning, but all the other people that helped bring her in this world.
It's amazing what I have learned and will continue to learn from this journey...just amazing.