Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Adoption Talk

It's been a while since I posted anything about adoption. It's not that I haven't thought about posting my thoughts/feelings/etc., I think about it every day actually. It's just that well, sometimes my heart and mind are so heavy with all those thoughts/feelings/etc. that I think I would be more apt to publish a book than a simple blog post.

We found out today that Mary Elizabeth's birthfather didn't show up in court today so his rights were terminated by the judge. While outside I was jumping for joy that she is really, officially ours and there is no longer a scare of someone coming back to take her away, inside it just makes me sad. It makes me so sad and SCARED that she might never know the two people who helped bring her into this world. Can you imagine not knowing your parents? I know some of you that read this blog have either placed children for adoption or were adopted or have adopted so I know that statement might really hit home. I know it does for me. I can't imagine going through my life wondering about the people who created me...whether out of love, lust, whatever...the two people who created me. My daily prayer is that Jonathan and I are enough and yet I know, that even though we will be in some ways, we will never be in all ways. It just makes me sad.

It's ironic, too, because on the adoption board that I frequent the majority of the talk from firstparents (birthparents) is how horrible it is for adoptive parents to slowly close the lines of communication with those firstparents. Evidently over time in open adoptions, it becomes more normal for the relationships between adoptive parents and first parents to sort of form into a more closed relationship. This usually happens because the adoptive parents stop sending updates/pics/etc to the firstparent.

I feel like we are on the opposite end of the spectrum. Practically begging Mary Elizabeth's mother to let us meet her. To take some pictures, to write letters. Don't get me wrong...I don't envision us having summer vacations together, but I would love to get to know this woman who gave us the miracle of our daughter and yet, I have to respect the fact that she doesn't want that. When I called the office today to find out about the court outcome, I checked to see if she had picked up any updates (she requested that they not be sent to her) and they told me she hadn't.

So what do I do? I pray for her. That's all I can do. I pray that she is finding peace in her decision that she made for Mary Elizabeth. I pray that even though she doesn't really know, she somehow knows that Mary Elizabeth is ok. I pray that even if she doesn't care, that I will continue to find peace in that. I pray that just by typing this, one day Mary Elizabeth might know how much I loved not only her from the beginning, but all the other people that helped bring her in this world.

It's amazing what I have learned and will continue to learn from this journey...just amazing.


Alison B. said...

i struggle with being enough for norah too.

glad to hear about the birthfather, but understand that is a bittersweet moment. you didn't want him to care enough to "take her back" but you kind of wanted him to care about her in's a tricky place to be.

when you read this one day mary elizabeth, you must take comfort in the big God of the Universe, and rest in the knowledge that He has placed you exactly where He wants a very important part of the Freeman Family.

We love you guys.

Susan said...

You and Jonathan are and will be enough. I can tell how much you LOVE Mary Elizabeth- how much you loved her before she was yours. You can't read this blog and not know that. The very fact that you care about her so much that you ache for her birthparents to be interested in her, to know that she is well taken care of and loved is amazing.
I petitioned for my adoptive records almost 7 years ago. I didn't do it because I felt I had missed out on something growing up or because I had this emptiness inside me. My - its hard to even type "adoptive" because to me they are my parents- were wonderful, loving people and I had a wonderful childhood. I am overcome with emotion when I think about my parents. That being said, I petitioned for my records because I was having my first baby and I wanted the medical information to see if I needed to be concerned about anything genetically.
I think it would be nice to meet my birthmother some day - I'd like to see where I got these monstrous thighs from. :) But, Bob and Joyce are my mom and dad and they are more than enough.
I have often thought about my birthmother and her situation. This is only my theory but its based on the way I would feel- what I would have to do for myself if I were a birthmother. Having had two children of my own now, I now understand what it would mean to give a baby up for adoption. I have to think that in doing that a mother would have to separate from that. If not, I would think the constant thought of her baby, what's he/she doing, is she ok, etc would just consume her. I think to be able to go on with your life for some mothers that would mean having to completely let go.
I don't know Mary Elizabeth's birthmother's situation. And I don't know if thinking of it in that perspective helps in any way. I know as an adopted child- for me to look at it that way makes all the difference. Its not that my birthmother didn't care (I think she loved me tremendously to give me up so that I had a chance at a better life) I just think she could not live unless she let go.
Mary Elizabeth is where God wants her to be and she's with one amazing family.

Linda said... guys are continually in my prayers...and I know that as long as you stay focused on the Lord that He will take care of the rest!

Lori said...

I share your feelings. We have one very open adoption (DD) and the other I call an open door adoption (DS).

I sure would love for my son's bparents to walk through the door someday...

Congrats on your family's milestone.

Anonymous said...

Does anyone remember the title of this book? A woman moves to the country because the city is too loud. But the country is too quiet, so she adopts a boy. It's still too quiet so she adopts another boy. The chaos of life with boys is wonderful and life is now good. This is an old book in black and white. Please, anyone, what is the title?