Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Who's that girl?

I've been itching for a while now to write. It's like that little voice in the back of your head telling you it's time to start writing down your thoughts again, but I continue to silence it simply because a) I'm afraid I won't have the time b) I won't be consistent c) It won't feel like it did last time. I used to love blogging. It was such a relief to write it all down when we were going through both of the adoptions but now FIVE years later (yes, it's been FIVE YEARS), my life is in a different place. I have different things to talk about. I looked back through this blog before I decided to write this piece and realized that the last few posts I even wrote, I was really struggling with depression and even that seems so long ago. Then, I look at the picture above. I don't even recognize that girl. Not only am I about 40 lbs lighter now, but that woman was depressed, stressed, overwhelmed and struggling. Now, even though I still struggle with juggling all my different roles in life, I try my best to take it all in stride. I take my "happy" pill every morning and struggling with depression is a thing of the past but something I openly talk about instead of being embarrassed about. That girl in the picture has lost friends to suicide, cancer, a disagreement. She's had struggles in her parenting, in her marriage, in her weight, her self image, her finances and her overall health. That girl would have never dreamed of seeing a therapist and now I look forward to it. That girl didn't even have a passport. I truly don't recognize her and I thank God I don't.

Today, I feel strong. I feel blessed. I feel scared about what I know is ahead for me and my family but I also feel secure in God's will. I no longer am surprised by much. I no longer take things for granted (at least I try not to). I no longer try to hold back. I'm not embarrassed to cry, to openly share about my struggles and to love too much. I figure if it's the worst thing I do, I'm doing ok. Yes, I still stick my foot in my mouth. I also overextend myself which leads to stress and being overwhelmed, but again, I'm a work in progress. I try not to worry about what other people think of me. I try to do the right thing at all times even if it's the unpopular thing to do. I often think about what radical things I would do if I could (if our parents wouldn't kill us, we would move to Florida...) I often think about what I want to do when I grow up because many days I'm pretty convinced I still haven't figured it out. I think about if I should finish my degree, etc. and I figured that this would be a good forum to get all of those thoughts out. No one may read it and that's completely good with me. I just need to write. It's definitely time I stop silencing the voice.