Adoption = Hard

I was a little surprised to log in today and realize this was my 500th post. The whole reason I started this blog was to "loosely" follow Mary Elizabeth's adoption. Here I am, almost 3 years later, still talking about adoption and now we have gone from 3 to 5 kids.

Adoption has been a bitter pill for me to swallow recently. Joshua's mom came to visit and although it was wonderful and we made amazing memories, it brought back a lot of feelings I had when she originally placed him with us. I kept thinking, "in a perfect world, she would be raising her son" but wow, this world is so far from perfect. I'm working on a post about her visit that I'll be sharing soon.

I also have several friends who are in the process of adopting, both internationally and domestically. I find it difficult to bite my tongue when they say something that really isn't ethical, etc. I have to remind myself constantly that I was once in that place where I thought every child internationally available for adoption was an orphan, where I assumed adoption was ALWAYS the best option, where I thought that the adoptive parent was a saint for opening their home, that every black child in a white family was from Africa. Now I know that adoption is one of the hardest things I have ever been through and yet one of the most rewarding.

I have to remind myself that it's easy to feel this way, I have two more amazing kids.....I'm no longer in the horrible wait for a referral. It's easy to tell someone now that the agony of the wait will disappear once they have placement. I remember what I felt like when people would say "your baby will come, just trust in God" I wanted to smack them and yet, I find, that I am now giving the same advice with a little more detail.

I guess I've just come to realize that my children are not my own. I am blessed that God chose me to raise them. I have never done anything to earn them and God certainly doesn't want me out there patting myself on the back that I opened my home when he is the one who wanted me to be open. It's difficult to know that although I know Joshua's mom doesn't regret her decision, I still cry sometimes because I wish her circumstances were different. Yes, that would mean he would not be here with me, but it also means he wouldn't have to face the loss of his biological family at some point in his life.

I worry about the hard questions he and Mary are going to get one day. My Anna is in middle school, I KNOW the mean things kids say. Just the other day, she came home in tears because a boy had told her she looked like a second grader. Now, mind you, she is a peanut and probably is the size of a second grader, but to a tween in middle school those words were devastating. I mainly worry about the hard questions they will ask ME one day. I just have to cling to this:

Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.