Earlier in the week I told you we were being shown to a birthmom who was due in April with a boy. I thought I would take a few minutes to tell you what it is like to be shown (for those of you unfamiliar with adoption).
J and I had to prepare a book of pictures and descriptions about our family. This also includes a personal letter to the birthmother from each of us. I did ours on Shutterfly only to not be able to figure out how to email it, so Jonathan took the Shutterfly document and put it into Microsoft Publisher. Our first profile for Mary Elizabeth was done with my scrapbook supplies so it was bright and colorful and took a lot of time. This profile I wanted to be more streamlined and modern so the majority of the pages are a large picture with a description on the opposite page. I really like how it turned out. It puts the focus on the pictures, not all the fussy scrapbook stuff.
We were told that the birthmother was viewing profiles on Tuesday, which she did. She took our profile home to share with her family and planned to meet up with the social worker on Thursday for a doctor's appt and then lunch with the social worker, mother and herself. Evidently, she didn't show. When they tried to call her on Friday, she didn't answer. Where does this leave us?
Well, this is what I like to refer to as a birthmother who has gone MIA (missing in action). We had this happen to us once before in the adoption process of M.E. They may decide to parent, they may just be sick, they may just want to escape from reality for a while. I'm not sure and honestly, I can't blame them if the latter is their reasoning.
How does this affect us? Well, in a traditional agency setting they would have probably put our profile on hold for a few days to see if they heard back. Since we are self submitting this time, I think it kind of fell in our hands to see if we wanted to wait or move on. Honestly, we did nothing, but I have to admit I was SOOOO frustrated Friday night. I'm honestly not sure who I was frustrated with, I was just frustrated.
Last night, we had a message from our social worker saying that they had heard from the birthmom and she had decided she really wanted someone closer to where she lives. BUT they had a baby girl born yesterday she wanted to talk to us about!
I have to tell you, for the first time in this whole second process, I got THE feeling. I sat straight up in bed (it was late when we got the message, we had been at the ER with Anna). I just KNEW this was our daughter. I tried to call our social worker back. I tried the work line just in case. I tried to email her. I then emailed the director of the agency. That's when we were told that the fees were INSANELY high. Like so high, there is no way we could do it. You might be thinking, "why are the fees so high?" Honestly, I don't know. But, my heart was broken. BROKEN. Oh, I cried. For the first time this whole time (besides Ben), I just let it flow out of me. I told God I was just broken. In my mind, I was trying to come up with ways to earn an extra $10K in 24 hours. I was just so broken.
That's when I checked my email and the social worker sent me the sweetest note titled Jeremiah 29:11. She said she couldn't sleep and came in to find our messages. Peace washed over me as I know that was God speaking through her, telling me he DOES have a plan for us. Reminding me to just sit back and watch. Reminding me to TRUST HIM.
Honestly, I'm still a little sad today even though I know God is so much bigger than my silly sadness. I am trusting him...even if that means no more babies for our family. Even if that means that we aren't meant to adopt again. Even if that means that what I feel like he is calling me to do is not really what he is calling me to do. I'm trusting him.
I stayed home from church today because a)I am all "swood" up from crying last night 2)I honestly didn't want to answer any questions and c)I need to spend some quiet time in the word and refocus. I think I got a little caught up in the whole thing this week and it's time to take a step back.
I'll keep you posted on our journey...just thought you might want to see the inside of being shown and how emotional it can be.