You know, I think so many times we try to make ourselves seem perfect but I am here to admit that I am not....not even close. Only by the grace of our SAVIOR am I even able to sit here and admit my faults. I don't put this out there to make anyone feel sorry for me, tell me that these feelings are normal, etc. I put this out there because I want people to know me....the REAL me...not the Pollyanna version that some might think I am.
Tonight I took a minute to look at our adoption website that our agency has. It has profiles of waiting families and a couple that was in our training class has the word placement across their photo. That means that their baby is already home with them. I can admit (although it's hard) that I am a little bit jealous. A whole lot happy and excited but yes, a little bit jealous.
It's funny how the minute you want something it seems that everybody else is getting it easily, but you can't seem to even get close. Now, I know that is NOT THE CASE here but I do know that I am human and it is ok to admit faults.
I started this blog to keep track of our adoption journey so today you can mark it down that I felt jealousy. Am I proud that I felt that? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Have I prayed to God that he will forgive me of that feeling? YES! Did I learn something from it? YEP....that if I am feeling it, that someone else might feel it with me one day and I should learn to be more sympathetic to others in their situations.
I want people to see JESUS in me....not JEALOUSY. I want him to be the focus of my daily walk....not my wants. I want him to give us the responsibility of raising his child in HIS time....not mine. CONGRATS to that amazing couple in our class....to know that God has done this in his timing is totally enough for me. I will NOT question HIS will.